So I sat down tonight to finish my conference presentation. One of two. I thought I'd start with the less formal one, the more personal one. Every night for the last week I've tried to finish it but seven gazillion programs needed to update on the laptop and the netbook and the router was slow and Mark was looking yummy so there was always a distraction.
Tonight started out well enough, no tech issues save a concern about the "quality" of images that was going to pop up given my search terms which included "Wonder Woman tied up" But I digress. I was almost done when poof an image came up, (not of Wonder Woman) and it reminded me of something and bang!!! I was a sobbing blurry eyed mess who ended up curled in a ball around her baby. I was caught off-guard, thinking I had closed the door on any regrets or questions. But seeing a picture of that damn book cover, one we read every night together for months, the girls and I. I felt walloped by what they had-we had-I had missed out on. I doubt it makes much of a difference to L right now. And I'm equally sure if I bring it up to R she too would cry. But I won't being it up and I wouldn't go hug them in their sleep because I don't want to make them sad. I'm not that kind of mama.
And seriously, ultimately I was being very self involved. I couldn't talk to Mark about it as he is not my therapist and while I did spit out the basics of what was making me cry he couldn't have understood how deeply I was aching. I suspect he thought I was reading sad stories online or lamenting not being allowed to have another baby.
The irony is, reading a sad story, linked to by Glennon at Momastery who is just, wow-made me snap out of it. There I was sobbing over my big girls having prepared so well for so long for the homebirth that never was, while someone else was mourning the one year loss of her son. Seriously, I was breathing in the warm milky breath of my baby with two sleeping healthy girls in the other room and I had the nerve to turn into an emotional wreck because we didn't get to have a home birth with the big sisters present?!??!! Studying Midwifery can really screw with your mind and your priorities. Hmmm, I wonder if I can use that as my presentation title?
Also, watch out for those google image searches!