Monday, 26 August 2013

Two weeks to JK!

It's not fair. My bouncy four year old who wakes up most mornings bouncing and singing; often still wanting to play peekaboo, starts school in two weeks and I'm going to miss her so much my heart hurts.

The unfair part is, no one gets it.

I'm not trying to keep her a baby. I enjoy every age my girls reach as it brings a whole new set of exciting things they can learn and they can teach and they can do.

I'm not trying to keep her at home to protect her from the big bad world. I'm sure I will want to keep her home the first time someone is mean to her or if she cries and doesn't want to go to school. But I won't.  I will give her the strength and trips and love and hugs and mama bear support she needs (and angry mama bear conferences with teachers and whomever else might need to get on board with me!)

And I would never ever say to her that I'm going to miss her a lot or that C will be lost without her. She has too many insensitive  grown ups in her life that do that already thinking they are expressing love when instead they are building anxiety attacks and worries.

L and I have been eagerly anticipating school and talking about the routines and planning for the fun for a year now.

It is just a year that seems to have gone by so quickly and I feel so inadequate as a parent. I just keep questioning whether I gave her all that I could.  Did I play enough with her? Read enough to her? Teach her enough basic academic skills? Teach  her how to be strong and fierce and polite and respectful? Did I give her everything she needs to know she is an amazing little kid that is strong and funny and sensitive and kind? And that she doesn't have to be all of those things at once? Did I lose my patience with her too often? Was I too demanding of her? Was I working too often instead of hanging out with her?  

And the answer is always yes. And no. Yes I gave her everything I could to be ready for school and life as a four year old. And yes I could have played with her more and read to her more and put my work down more. But no I couldn't have loved her better or harder or taught her any better that she is awesome and that I love her and she doesn't need to think about me or C or Mark when she is at school because she is four not eighteen and off to university but at school for six and a half hours and I'm happy to pick her up from lunch if she wants or take mama days if she wants and we will have four hours every evening and all weekend and she will make friends and learn so much and be able to teach us so much.

And the work guilt is misplaced, because I'm fortunate in that I get to be home while I work.

And the did I not play with you enough is misplaced because I did.

And we cooked and baked and shopped and walked and talked and snuggled together. 

And it's just all out of proportion  and completely distorted because it is summer so no I don't sit down and play Barbies with her every day or build Lego castles or play top chef because she has two sisters at home who are happy to do those things and then I can take her for walks and bike rides and pay for camp and go to farmers markets and visit friends.

But really the unfair part is that I'm not going to get a lot of sympathy from other parents possibly including my own partner (possibly) because I have had the honour and pleasure of her company almost every day since the day she was born (my own school and occasional meeting being the exception).

I'd really prefer if she was only going to half-day JK but full day SK.  I feel like the transition for her, for me, and for C would be easier.  But I also trust that my daughter is going to be fine and C and I will find our own path while she is away at school.  Which may or may not include retail therapy.

I'm just saying.

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